The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
