and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
