feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Randomize
