her vagine was all disorganized.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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