So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
