Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
where am i from again
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
