When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Randomize
