Screwed.edu
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
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