You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
