It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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