What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
