considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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