and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
23 Parents Gave Awful Advice about “The Birds and the Bees”
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.