I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
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My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
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I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!