Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.