Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
