Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
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