what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
