We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
