I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
