Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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