My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
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Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
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I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
My legs feel like baby dolphins
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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