I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
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