oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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