And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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