I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Swine flu is the new snow day.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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