Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
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