Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
