I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Randomize
