I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
