I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
