i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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