I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
