she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
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