Can i not drive my cunt home
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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