I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
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