We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
