Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
