oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
