I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
