I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
