He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
