he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
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