when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
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