i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Small penises have feelings too.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
