According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
