I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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