I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
