I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Randomize
