you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
where are my eyebrows?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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