She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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