Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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