when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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