you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Can Purell be used as lube?
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Randomize
