I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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