I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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