I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
